Remember the name John Eisenberg. Apparently, this scumbag and Trump lawyer has a knack for moving evidence of his orange baboon client’s misdeeds to ultra classified White House servers.
Trump Could Nuke Europe and the GOP Would Defend Him
Reports of damning and extremely disturbing testimony regarding the Trump and Zelenskiy phone call have been percolating today. Trump tweeted out that the person testifying is a “never Trumper.” However, that person would actually be White House National Security Expert, Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman. Vindman was on the call that fateful day and is said to have found what was said by Trump to have been a threat to national security.
So, yeah, it looks like this could “be the worst day of Trump’s presidency,” as is said once a week roughly. This orange disgrace couldn’t just shoot someone on 5th Avenue and get away with it. He could threaten our European allies with nuclear obliteration and the GOP would still back him up.
100 dB Boos at World Series
The day following Trump and his entourage being nearly booed out of Nationals Park with chants of “lock him up,” Democratic senator Christopher Coons and Morning Joe host Joe Scarborough publicly denounced the crowd as “un-American” and “sickening,” while ironically THE REST OF AMERICA celebrated the biggest narcissist in the history of the universe being humiliated on worldwide television.
Mountain Men are Coming For Us
Some lunatic right wing Christian pastor named Rick Wiles is warning the public that if Trump is removed from office, veterans, cowboys and MOUNTAIN MEN – people who know how to fight – will hunt down democrats.
I don’t know about you, but as soon as I heard that, the tune from Deliverance popped into my head and I couldn’t help but imagining myself and my poor Democratic neighbors and friends getting butt raped by Cleavon while Bubba hollered at us to squeal like pigs!
Move the Doomsday Clock Closer to Midnight
Move it a lot closer to midnight. Google announced today that it has built a quantum computer that can solve a problem in 200 seconds that would take the current fastest supercomputer on the planet 10,000 years to solve. That being said, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out the unintended consequences of something so powerful connected to an artificial intelligence. “Alexa, are we cool?”
Anonymous Trump Official to Publish Tell All Book
The author behind the infamous Times Trump insider Op-Ed is set to release a book titled “Warning” sometime in November. The author will again remain anonymous and reportedly waved off a lucrative book deal, preferring to instead donate book royalties to organizations focusing on government accountability.
I wonder, does the anonymous writer still work for Trump and if so, in what capacity? Is it Kellyanne? It’s interesting to note how she maintains a healthy relationship with her husband who has made a daily routine out of excoriating the president on Twitter. Maybe it’s the White House Chef or the Butler in the Library with the candlestick.
Lindsey Graham Changes Tune on Trump’s Handling of Syria
After meeting with Trump on Saturday, Lindsey Graham totally reversed course on his criticism of Trump’s troop withdrawal of Syria, stating “President Trump is thinking outside the box.” Lindsey’s habit of pulling 180s on his views regarding Trump have most Americans wondering just how much dirt Trump has on him. It’s fair to say after this latest boomerang it’s probably something pretty damming and embarrassing. While the news crew here at HNOTC isn’t speculating it’s anything of the gay variety, our expert analyst on deviant behavior and political science wouldn’t rule out something along the lines of a sugar daddy setup with a younger lad from abroad and cuck fetish role playing.
Team Trump Selling “Get Over It!” T-Shirts
Mulvaney’s perfectly executed confession or bumbling idiot rant (whichever it may be) has the Trump T-shirt vendors running to the bank with a newfound sales spike due to Mulvaney’s fortuitous use of the English language. Trump supporters now can add “Get Over It!” tees to the greatest hits collection, including the zingers: Coup, Witch Hunt, Lock Her Up, MAGA, Trump Is My Homeboy, Blacks For Trump, Asians For Trump, Women For Trump, Jesus Died For You Trump Lives For You and Build a Wall Crime Will Fall. With the holidays just around the corner, this new tee is the perfect gift for that one crazy Trump supporting family member.
Rick Perry to Resign as Energy Secretary
It looks like the White House has found themselves the ideal scapegoat in good ole Rick Perry. Alas, if only Trump had not incriminated himself in the phone transcript and then again on national television, this new sad scheme might’ve worked. “Double-down Donnie” brought it on himself.
ProPublica Reports Bombshell Investigation into Trump’s Taxes
And 24 hours later every other news site is writing about it.
Giuliani Rakes in $500k From “Fraud Guarantee”
On top of banking $500k from the company with the greatest name in the universe, today Giuliani defied a congressional subpoena to testify in the Ukraine probe. Things could get substantially more comical by the end of this week. As Trump likes to say: Stay tuned.
Trump Calls Tlaib “Despicable Human Being”
Rashida Tlaib during an interview with “Deadline Detroit” mentioned in passing that some House Democrats have discussed jailing the stonewallers working to obstruct the impeachment investigation. Once Trump got wind of that he called her a despicable human being. That’s a bit pot meet kettle to say the least. I hope the dems nailed down how many people the House jail can hold, because from the looks of things they’re going to need some space.
Meanwhile, ex-Trump aide, Fiona Hill, is busy testifying today before the impeachment inquiry and against White House wishes. We will just have to wait for Adam Schiff’s comments after today’s testimony to find out exactly how far Fiona stuck her foot up Trump’s ass.
Giuliani About to be Arrested?
Trump distanced himself from his last fixer, Rudy Giuliani, (current fixer A.G. “Corrupt” Barr) after news broke that two people with solid links to Rudy were arrested on campaign finance charges. Trump stated today that he’s actually not sure if Rudy Rudy Rudy Ruuu-aaah still represents him. Haven’t we seen this movie before? It might seem like several decades ago since his most prolific fixer was sent off to prison, but it was only not long ago. Michael Cohen.
Social Media Erupts After Shepard Smith’s Departure From Fox
According to trending reactions across social media, Shep Smith is widely believed to have been fired. It is interesting to note that the U.S. A.G. and latest Trump fixer, Bill “Corrupt” Barr, was jettisoned to the NY estate of Fox owner, Rupert Murdoch yesterday after a massively embarrassing Fox poll revealed 51 percent of all Americans support impeachment. Coincidentally or maybe not so coincidentally, Shep resigned the next day.
Shep Smith, Fox News Anchor, Quits Due to Righteous Conscience
Way to go, Shep! Working for Fox must have felt like selling cigarettes and vape to children. See you on the other side! On a down note: That’s one less sane news host over at the insane asylum. Poor Chris Wallace!
Fox News Poll Angers Trump to Point of Tantrum
After a Fox News poll revealed that 51 percent of all Americans now support impeachment and removal of Trump, the AG, who also moonlights as Trump’s new fixer, was jettisoned to the New York estate of Fox’s owner Rupert Murdoch. While what happened behind closed doors is purely speculation and what HNOTC hypothesizes is fiction, our newsroom expert in political science and deviant behavior suggested that Barr most likely gave Rupert the paddle. Afterward, according to our top expert analyst, the two likely enjoyed some fine liqueur and tied up and whipped several sex slaves while sporting the most interesting S&M leather attire money can buy.
Trump Moves to Withdraw US Troops From Syria
Meanwhile, diehard Trump allies Lindsey Graham and Mitch McConnell are baffled as to why Trump would backstab the Kurds by withdrawing from Syria when it would only help Russia and Iran. They went on to suggest Trump was compromised by Putin and acting as an agent of a hostile foreign power. Both Lindsey and Mitch decided that enough is enough and are now vowing to convince their GOP colleagues in congress to impeach. Oh wait, the last section was news out of an alternate dimension where GOP members had balls.
Trump Calls For Civil War in Event of Impeachment and Calls For Political Foe Adam Schiff’s Arrest For Treason
Trump ended the sentence regarding Schiff’s arrest with a question mark, but one wonders if he meant to place an exclamation point, hyphen or apostrophe.
Rudy Rudy Rudy Ruu-ahhh
Hot off the press. This just in: Rudy Giuliani subpoenaed for documents related to the Ukraine scandal. Time to break out the popcorn yet?
State Department Resurrecting Probe Of Emails Sent by Former Hillary Clinton Aides
Corrupt AG Bill “Rotten” Barr is getting desperate.
Lindsey Graham reportedly has a war plan to guard Trump against impeachment
Translation: There’s evidence that Lindsey is a closeted gay and Trump has the dirt.
Kurt D. Volker, the State Department’s special envoy for Ukraine abruptly resigns
Good move. One can only wonder if he’s packing his bags and getting on the next plane out of here.
Amber Guyger, Former Dallas Cop Who Killed Her Neighbor, Testifies
Amber was chilling, eating ice cream and sexting in what she believed was her crib before disaster struck. Moral of the story: Know which apartment is yours – especially when you’re packing heat and trigger happy.
Hourly News On The Can 